Costa Rica – Days 14 & 15
This entry is going to be a bit different than previous entries because I feel that this whole blog thing is about more than just activities and stupid everyday stuff. I think that I’m going to want to look back and read these to remind myself of where I’ve been and how I’ve grown each day that I’m here. I feel comfortable writing about the following because, in the end, I’m writing for those close to me as well as myself. If you read this, thanks, but please understand this is just where I am and how I feel about recent occurrences. I tend to talk a ton and don’t hold things in well, so I feel that I need to write my feelings out as well…so here goes.
I love my family. We have our quirks, my dad grunts, my mom sings Eminem songs, my brother is the golden child and my sister walks in to walls. God has insanely blessed me with them; the only way that I can describe how much I love them is that I would sacrifice myself for any one of them in a heartbeat. I have many “best friends” out there and am lucky to have them as well, but my sister is my best friend and has always been there for me. Emily and I really bonded after I graduated high school and started waiting on tables at Joe’s Crab Shack. Even though I got home from work around 2 am I always knew that Emily would wait up for me so we could talk for a couple of hours. After I left for college my mom told me that she often cried because she wasn’t going to see me at school.
My sister is one of the most selfless people I know, I often have to yell at her to get her to start talking about her life because she is so focused on me. My sister is a listener, not a hearer. My sister is sincere and loving. My sister is totally and completely filled with joy. My sister is patient beyond comprehension. My sister is strong, persistent and determined (this is the girl that ran cross country because of her older brother). My sister is focused on God’s plan, and knows that it is much bigger than her. My sister mourns for the lost. My sister wants to help heal others spiritually and physically. My sister sticks by those who slap her in the face. My sister understands that the impossible is possible through Christ. My sister loves The Lord and is drenched with humility.
Emily has been in the hospital for the last 5 days and has had walking pneumonia for the last month. Thursday afternoon I was told that I needed to call my sister’s cell phone as soon as possible. I knew something was wrong when she tried to do her fake excited answer and asked me, “What’s up?” She then proceeded to tell me that the pneumonia was better, but that the doctor’s had found a tumor in her lungs. I fell apart. She then told me that we would find out if it was cancerous or not on Friday morning. So, big brother simply became speechless. I always have something to say, but what do you say to this? Instead of encouraging her, the only thing I found myself doing was apologize for not being by her side. I have never felt more helpless in my life. I question myself and wonder why I can even think that there is something that I could do to help her, I mean even if I was back home…this is totally and completely beyond me. I know I can pray, and I have been, all day. I am confident that The Lord will use this situation to bring about some good, but that doesn’t make it any easier. In fact, it simply makes it more difficult to deal with.
The words that have described me best in the last 2 days are these, “A broken man in hard times is not what we want to see, yet when I know that you’re in pain it’s all that I can be.” This hit me hard when I was walking with LJ yesterday because I have become confident in myself. As humans we start to feel comfortable with where we are and shortly after comfort is confidence, following confidence is pride. My pride has been broken. My confidence in myself has been stripped. My comfort zone has turned in to a bed of needles. I have been completely reminded of just how insignificant I am, and how little power I truly have.
By learning just how little we are, we can find out how big God truly is. It is in our humility that He shines through. As my family swims in humility, I pray that God will reveal Himself to us more each day. Psalm 18:2 says, “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, My God, my rock and my deliverer, My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” It is a travesty that I seem to only be reminded of the refuge that we have in Him during bad times. Verse 3 talks about calling upon the Lord for deliverance, please pray for my family, and pray that something positive for others may come about through this situation. I love you all.